The Rollercoaster Of Love

After around 7 years being single, with only one 2 month ‘relationship’ interval, I felt ready to put myself out there and look for a partner. The 2 most serious relationships I have had have been with my children’s dads, which were both abusive and toxic relationships. In the 7 years I was single, I basically gave up on love, and relationships, because for me they are always volatile and unstable. In my eyes the safest bet would be staying single. Unfortunately human nature doesn’t agree with that decision. A person craves and needs love, attention and encouragement from another person. And the longer I was alone, the greater that need became.

NOTE: Our relationship is completely unconventional and often subject of adverse, dismissive, discriminatory, ignorant and hatefull reactions. The reason for this is that our age difference is more than 20 years, we have a different ethnic and cultural background, unconventional sexual- and gender identity, religious beliefs and lifestyle. Therefore to protect my partner’s privacy and safety I will not give any details about him, how we met or his life.

I can safely say that a whole new world has opened up to me, and all my old dreams of living in the wild, self sustained and building my own little paradise have been kickstarted again, after being on a dusty old shelf for decades. This unique man has brought them back to life and gave me confidence that they can still become reality. He is full of ideas and they turn out to be exactly what I have always dreamed about. But really that is not the main thing that I feel attracted to. He shows me my flaws, my downfalls, and then how I can work on them. He encourages me to work on my relationship with my children, and supports me in how to discipline them, strict but fair. He is building a friendship with my youngest, they have the same passions; animals, gaming, art. And he is helping me train my dog, together with his dog.

What is hard, is that his situation combined with my own messed up mind, trauma, behavioural issues and moodswings it feels I’m doing this against all odds. Despite me being very unapproachable at times he nevertheless opened up to me more and more, and I remain to make progress gaining his trust in me. I on the other hand struggle to open up to him. I really want to, but I don’t know how and what to say, and about what I should open up.

I struggle with psychotic episodes and paranoia, and that means I don’t trust people, not even my kids. I often take something the wrong way, and I struggle to understand what someone means. I am slower in cognitive functions, it takes me longer to understand something because I have dyscalculia and my memory is really bad. And off course EUPD (Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder, formerly known as Borderline Personality Disorder BPD). I also have a mood disorder (Dysthymic Disorder) which means being chronically depressed. The EUPD is difficult, especially in relation with him. It is hard for him to deal with me pushing him away, having a very short fuse, moodswings and having no control over my emotions. I always worry he will leave me, and I blame myself for it.

Generally though, this new relationship is a massive chance for me to further my progress working through my own difficulties and most of all to realise my biggest dream of being in a loving, caring relationship and actually building each other up, supporting and growing together. I truly never thought I would get that chance again, let alone make it successful. It is hard work, very hard at times, but also very rewarding when we have good days. Before I met him I hit a wall in my progress, and now I realise I need people challenging me, confronting me to go further. When you are on your own, there’s only so much you can do, and then there’s the constant yearning for company, love, attention that every human craves. In the end it becomes physically painful, and every time you see a couple holding hands, hugging, kissing or talking it is a stab in the back, a reminder of my failure to have a meaningful relationship. It’s weird cause at the same time I love my own company, I love being by myself, and I feel comfortable being alone. It’s just this gaping hole, always present, and crushing loneliness. I totally understand how loneliness is taking years of people’s lives, and is physically and mentally unhealthy.

I am trying to adjust to my new life with him. Other big changes have happened at the same time; my oldest son leaving home and my youngest going to secondary school and struggling with puberty, anxiety, and family dynamics. We also had 3 weeks without a kitchen and the house in a mess whilst the new kitchen was installed. It was extremely stressful. But now we got past that, and I have to try get back into a routine as my study resumes. I hope I can now regularly post my blog again, and work on my other art work. Leaves me to say a massive thank you to my followers for hanging in there and reading my stuff.

Note: This post was originally written in September 2021 but posted 14/09/2022.

Published by Gif-Art

Follow androgynous blogger, poet, artist, Criminology & Psychology scholar and revolutionary socialist Kahlo on their journey of self expression, transitioning and development. They write about Criminology & Psychology subjects in a socialist context, rehabilitation and recovery of childhood trauma, domestic and sexual abuse and the mental health conditions as a result. Woven through is a strong sense of social justice, accountability and self-determination.

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